A Video Montage to Save the Insurance Companies:
The time to not act is now. We must assure these corporations that we will not fight against them, but instead, we will sacrifice our own livelihood so that they can continue to wipe with gold-leaf toilet paper and fly in exquisite private jets.
The decisions of insurance companies are always in the best interest of the patient. For instance, insurance companies can still deny care for battered women by qualifying domestic violence as a pre-existing condition. You see, insurance companies are simply offering “tough love” by putting battered women into financial ruin so that they will leave their abusers.
And anyway, our last President assured us that we have the best health care system in the world. So, that must be true.
And if you are so cold-hearted that you don’t want to help these companies rake in record profits, then maybe this will convince you: Death panels are real. In fact, I’ve heard that all veterinarians will be required by the government to create a “Rest-Wing” in all clinics so that old people can be put-down as cheaply as possible (perhaps at the same time you’re getting your Labrador neutered).
Further, WWJD actually stands for, “Who Would Jesus Deny.” Caring for the sick, helping those with less material wealth… those are all attributes of the devil. Though these concepts were at the foundation of Jesus’ teachings, he didn’t mean for us to really do such crazy things! That would be a socialist sin. If Jesus were alive today, he’d be the CFO of Big Insurance, hosting MTV Cribs, flicking off anyone different than him and yelling at the underinsured, “Survival of the fittest suckas!”
So, just to summarize WWJD: Jesus would for sure deny the poor, the middle-class, the already sick, you (but not me) and well, obviously the immigrants. And you can bet that Jesus would be schmoozing with the big wigs on the U.S.S. Constitution (droppin anchor next to Noah).
So, I think I’ve made it pretty clear. We must protect the profits of the insurance companies. If we don’t, we will have to spend less of our income on healthcare and receive better care. It’s a frightening concept.